The day i got to know im having JJ (then-name for Ray as im unaware of the gender) in my tummy, i fell to the ground on my in-law's walk in closet. And right in front of me, its Anders grabbing his hair looking down at the floor.
We both already suspected one month ago, but we chose not to accept the fact until that day. We both know its a mistake that we have committed.
Honestly speaking, we both know it is too early for us to start a family. Knowing Anders well enough, i know he have not enjoy his youth to the fullest yet. There are plenty of things we both have not yet accomplish and do in our youth which we both know we will not be able to do it in our future if there is a baby in our lives.
I swear i hate to admit this, but we were this close to losing JJ whereby next day is my appointment for abortion. Times and times again, i asked myself if i am doing the right thing, and for the past nights, im not sleeping but crying. I, of course, couldnt bare or dare to abort JJ, but i have to think for the future of Anders too.
The thing is, i know how cruel this world is. And if i have a choice, i definitely does not want to be in this world. What if, JJ feels that way too? What if, JJ couldnt handle the battles and challenges?
But what if, JJ is a talented person just like the late Michael Jackson. And if i didnt give JJ a chance, who will?
I decided to fought for JJ's life just the night before the appointment. I told Anders that i will definitely went into depression if i lose JJ, and it will haunt me forever. Anders then decided to ask our parents for advices. From this moment onwards, both our lives have completely changed.
During my pregnancy, i wasnt a happy person due to the hormonal change. I began to worry even more, and get very emotional. Due to my built, i am only gaining weight for myself and Rayden's growth was slower.
When Anders and I are going for weekly check up (week 36/40) with my gynae, my doctor told me i am currently in labour. I does not feel anything, and my waterbag have not burst. Anders and I started panicking and i admitted to Anders that i have not even started packing my hospital bag. (FML)
And i started calling and announcing to people who already know about Ray's existence, hoping they would support me during my labour. Hahhahaha!
I went to my labour room at 3pm, and im slowing having the ritual of preparing the birth.
1) Im asked to strip naked and wear a green outerwear which only cover the front, whereby when you face my back, you can totally see my ass.
2) The nurse insert a big bottle of liquid to clear my bowels. (Pain Level: 8/10)
The nurse says it will takes 5 mins for the effect, i immediately tell her i need to go now. LOL.
3) The nurse prepare me for my drip. (Pain Level: 8/10)
4) My doctor came at 7pm to burst my water bag. (Pain Level: 1/10)
At this point of time, my dearest husband is having yummy dinner at Sushi Tei with his friend and father. FML. Didnt accompany me at all during all my injections.
5) My nurse ask me to choose if i want a normal injection which will numb me 50% during my birth or epidural that costs a bomb and have side effects in my future which will numb me 80% to 100% during my birth.
I chose the normal injection cause i does not want my Father-in-law to waste unnecessary money. (Pain Level: 3/10)
6) Anders came after his dinner to check on me, and just nice the nurse came to clear my bladder which inject a long clear tube to my peepee area and press my tummy. FML (Pain Level: 9/10) Worseeeeeee thing ever.
7) Im super drowsy due to the injection and keep sleeping till 9pm. All these while, im feeling okay and have not felt anything painful around my womb area.
8) Around 9.45pm, i decided to feel the pain like i need to clear a super massive dump but i dont dare to 'push' cause i realise Anders isnt around in my labour ward.
I spam call everyone i know who was with him earlier cause i know im going to give birth soon. FML, I bare the pain just to wait for him.
Anders had low battery for his phone when we went for the check up, and he put his phone on airplane mode to save battery.
9) Anders finally came to the room around 15 mins later after all my spam calls. And i scolded him very very badly. The nurse says that she called the doctor already (FMLL, I still have to wait for the doctor to come, why not the doctor stay in the hospital for my birth since she predicted the time! ANGRY! My pain level: 7/10)
The thing is that, during my birth i am expecting the biggest blow of painfulness in my tummy, but it just feels like cramps which i usually have to suffer every month so it doesnt felt THAT pain at all. Anders said i did not cry or scream when im giving birth. Yay!
10) My doctor came and silt my (area where Ray is coming out). (Pain Level: 1/10 since im already numb with injection)
11) The trick to giving birth (LISTEN UP GIRLS): You will feel the cramps comes in waves. It will gradually hurt you like someone is pushing your tummy from upwards (below boob part) to downwards (Ray coming out part). So when you feel a slight pain from your tummy, you start to push like you getting your shit out and 'GEK' till the pain gradually subside.
What i do is, when i feel it is coming, i said 'Coming, Coming' and the nurse and Anders will squeeze my hand while i 'try to shit'.
12) Once the head is out, everything which includes the rest of Ray's body will 'slide' out. Yes, i used the word slide.... fking bloody thats why.
13) While im waiting for the placenta to be out, the nurse and Anders were like helping out with Ray. And Ray didnt cry which i heard from labour wards beside me. Ray just gave a 'UGGGGHHH' when he came out and kept quiet throughout.
14) My placenta is out and my doctor have to stitch my dongdong back. (Pain level: 3/10)
15) The nurse quickly wanted me to breastfeed and she keep pressing my boobs. (Pain level: 9/10) FKING PAIN.
The end of my labour. Im terribly sorry to let you read through all these but there are too many people who are afraid of giving birth which i dont feel that there is a need to be afraid.
Hereby give a little thank you to those who came to the hospital and waited for Ray's arrival, must be hard to wait at the waiting area for hours. I will let Ray know when he grow up. :)
My confinement was total crap. I doesnt have nice food to eat at all, my past maid have a fetish of spamming fresh spring onions on every dish. I woke up every 3 hours to feed Ray.
I breast feed Ray for 2 weeks and stopped cause someone said i does not have milk (which i regret listening to. FML)
My confinement was tough, and i went into depression. I only realise after i somehow heal myself and realise how gloomy and negative i am during those days.
People bombard me with baby advices which i also regret listening.
(PEOPLE, BABIES ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO DRINK PLAIN WATER TILL THE AGE OF 1)
To all: Do plenty of research regarding babies. Only when unclear, ask for advices from different people who also have babies and not children who are already big.
Different babies have different personality and different parents will definitely have different approach.
Only trust yourself, and remember you have the right to ignore people's weird advices or superstitious.
There is no one else in the world who love your baby more than yourself. So trust yourself and research on taking care of babies.
Till now, i am extremely grateful for the existence of Ray. He does not have the typical ang mo baby look of big eyes, fair skin or even chubby cheeks and arms. I still look at him, and i realise what true love really is. I could just smile to myself unknowingly just by looking at him.
I am also extremely grateful to people who shows concern to Rayden. He really deserve this wonderful life filled with so much love. I will tell Rayden all about the people who loves him, and i hope when he grow up as a man, he will repay you guys in some way or another. It takes a village to raise a child.
There might be people gossiping about me being a young mom, or maybe some hoping i be a single mom soon (and yes there are). Look, i go home every day after a bad day at work, i have a son who cheers me up and i got to kiss him every night when i sleep. I never sleep alone, i sleep with my beloved child beside me. What about you? After being bitter, you go home to your single bed alone hoping desperately for just a hug. Right now, i have my son with me till my death. Look who is more pathetic. Me or you?
I decided to be open about Ray's existence only after birth is because my mum told me to. I respect her decision as i know it is difficult for her to open up to people around her regarding about my pregnancy. And i decide to be open that i am a mum is because i want to be a good influence that people dont have to give up a life to carry on with their dreams. I may not be successful right now, but i am more happy than ever with Rayden in my life.
I may have some struggles and challenges, but there are no tests that you cant go through. You will only become stronger after every test. I do felt stronger and i am slowly learning to overcome challenges.
Thank you for your time. HAHHAHAHAHHA.
